I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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