I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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