hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
