You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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