Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
