got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
