U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
