The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
