had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
