does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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