ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize