i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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