dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
