Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
