No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
