You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
