I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize