the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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