...so i touched it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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