the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
