Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
