They should really pass out barf bags in church
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
