it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize