if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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