You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
