I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
