i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
