I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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