I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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