My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
