His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
