so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
