I'm lost and stupid without you.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
