There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Still dying that you shit outside
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
