literally had 100 drinks last night.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
