I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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