If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
