I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
