I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
