Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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