Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Boobs speak an international language.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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