I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
