I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
