If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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