Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
