Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
