My room smells like vodka and shame
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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