i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
My life is pants optional.
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