this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
