I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
