i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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