I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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