It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
