I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize