Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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