I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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