No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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